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Fearful

 

How many times have I told myself I can’t do that? I think I said that many many times. I have held myself back because of one reason or another. Most of those reasons either involved money, time or knowledge. Mostly money. I have decided to trust what I felt a few times in my life. I knew I needed more knowledge and I was afforded an opportunity to get my degree. I thought I wanted my degree in a certain field, however, I got it in another field entirely after changing my mind at least twice. I should have been scared about going back to school, but I wasn’t. I knew I was a good student so I managed the first couple of years with a 3.9 g.p.a until math and chemistry showed up. Regardless I still kept  a good grade point average. I didn’t see that as hard. What was hard was when I had so many other not so positive things going on around me, but I was undaunted and kept going. I am a sink or swim kind of person, but I will go down fighting. However, there is one thing that I do regret. I was given an idea and instead of just accepting the idea and running with it, like I had done before. I decided to fight it and fight it hard. Because I was convinced that it was too difficult for me. That it was not good for me, that I couldn’t do it. I do believe I have discussed my pride, haven’t I?? You know I fought on the one hand but on the other hand exercised some great faith in other areas. Maybe as a way to make up for the area I lacked. It’s difficult to explain. Still, I lacked courage in this area is what the problem was. Although I have exercised courage before as evidenced by dealing with Rebekah’s health issues while going to school. I have it all within me, its always been there. Why all of a sudden do I no longer trust? Mostly because I thought that getting a degree would get me a job but when that didn’t happen. I gave up!!! I just thought that I was not good enough and I stopped trying. All those old lessons of years before came back. All those old reinforcing voices that I can’t do this. So now even though I am quaking in my boots. I stand up and try. I push those voices away and go the undaunted route knowing full well that Heavenly Father will be there like he always has. The reason for not getting those jobs I applied for was so that I could learn other things that were needed for me today.  I am sure there were other reasons but I was learning things during that time that I use today, so that is why I say that. Instead of fighting or resisting an idea, take that fight out on those voices that tell you that you can’t do it or try to confuse you with other things. It’s better that way. Trust that a thought comes to your mind and in your heart is what needs to happen and you just need to rise up and go and do!!!